By Silence Doless
There are times when humorists go too far. For example, just the other day, Stephen Colbert completely missed his exit on the highway. There are some things that should not be said, but sometimes humorists cross the line between funny and offensive.
Unfortunately, I was that humorist last week. For all of you who read that column (I estimate at least five), you will remember that it was crass and demeaning to a specific individual. Now, if you think that every one of my columns is crass and demeaning, then you are obviously President Rabinowitz, but I digress.
In last week's column, I made the tasteless error of singling out and insulting someone who wasn't President Rabinowitz-a mistake for which I now have to pay the price. I won't name the person in question again but if you're reading this, I would like to extend my most sincere apologies for any hurt feelings over the matter. I wrote in haste, waste and paste. This brings me to the topic of this week's column: personal accountability (PA).
You may scoff at such a drab-sounding concept, but PA is real: it is out there, and it could happen to you. I thought I was safe from PA because I hide behind a pseudonym. I was wrong. By the time I found out, it was too late. Don't let that happen to you. Know the facts about PA.
Fact No. 1. If you insult people, they will feel bad.
Fact No. 2. People who feel bad generally try to make other people feel bad.
Fact No. 3. You will definitely be one of those people.
Fact No. 4. When enough people feel bad, Dick Cheney gets his wings.
Imagine the panic that would be caused by small, pasty Dick flapping around our skies. So please, think of the world the next time you make fun of someone (except if that person is Stuart Rabinowitz-then you can think about how best to get grass seed in his underpants). PA does not mean that one should refrain from ever doing anything wrong; it just means taking responsibility for your actions when you do. It is fabled that if anyone who was in anyway involved in the production of the Star Wars prequels has the guts to take responsibility for it, humanity would have a big enough Karmic surplus to buy back good pop music on the radio. So PA is very important, but actually isn't the topic of this week's column. I apologize for any inconvenience this outright lie about the topic of this column may have given you, the reader.
If you or your loved ones have been in anyway hurt, physically, mentally or emotionally by my disingenuous actions, do not hesitate to convince yourself otherwise. See? I made a mistake, but I take responsibility for it. The topic this week is in fact the writer's union strike, which has affected everyone from Stephen Colbert (who missed his exit anyway) to Steven Spielberg (who missed Indiana Jones, apparently). It also happens to affect this column.
The Mysterious and outlaw-ish Silence Doless (Andy McCarthy)