Satire: Why we need to stage a coup in Wisconsin
I lived in Wisconsin my entire childhood (from second grade to sixth grade), so when it comes to Wisconsin and its government, I’m basically an expert. After all, living a comfortable upper-middle-class lifestyle somewhere will naturally make you an expert on that state. When I found out that my old home state was suppressing votes by forcing voters to leave their homes during a pandemic and making them go to the few polling places that weren’t closed, there was clearly only one option moving forward: violent military intervention to liberate the state, all while putting a ruthless totalitarian in the governor’s office to make sure this whole democracy thing works the next time.
This may sound extreme, but we’ve supported coups in other countries over less. It would be hypocritical not to hand the state’s reins over to an extremist right-wing government with armed, CIA-trained death squads while we figure everything out. We set a precedent in Nicaragua when we funded the Contras, and as a proud American, I believe we need to follow through and cause the deaths of hundreds of Wisconsinites in the process. It’s the right thing to do.
Should our domestic policy not reflect our foreign policy? We’ve done this in Brazil, Argentina, Chile, El Salvador and countless other countries – let’s make sure we do it at home too. A responsible federal government would launch drone strikes on Green Bay and drive tanks down the streets of Madison to “open the door to American industry” while supporting an interim leader who actively calls for the killing of leftists, gays and indigenous people.
We could go for the peaceful option, of course. We could place sanctions on the state of Wisconsin, making interstate trade a complete impossibility. We would simply starve the lack of democracy out of the people of Wisconsin. Sure, the people in charge of the state would remain completely unharmed by these sanctions, but you must realize that starving the poor people to death would eventually destroy the state as well. We’re trying to spread real, true democracy, so starving the voters to death is a must. Once Wisconsin has learned their lesson, we the American people would oversee their next election – with the threat of death lingering in the background if we don’t like the way they do it.
At the end of the day, America has made it clear that we will collapse entire countries if we don’t trust their voting process, whether or not the UN says the election was fair and democratic. So when voter suppression like this happens in our own country, it’s only fair for us to invade ourselves. This is what real democracy looks like!
Robert Kinnaird is a junior majoring in global studies and journalism.
