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Armchair Observations: A Humor Column

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist

Sorry for the week off. I was being investigated for a bounty system I had against cast members of Jersey Shore.

Anyway, in the time I had to pay off fines and bribe Governor Christie with a baker's dozen from Tim Horton's, I was closely watching the Peyton Manning story unfold. 

After 13 seasons as a star quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts, Manning was let go to make room for another young prospect Indy can get with the first overall pick, more than likely a quarterback of the Stanford variety, one whom many a team tried to get.

Strangely enough, Manning held a final press conference as a Colt with Jim Irsay, the team's general manager who made the final call to let him go. Manning, did his best Silda Spitzer/Deena McGreevey impression and stood by the moron who threw his life into a curveball.

Manning's words were professional, sweet, and straight to the point. His body language was a different story. 

It was clear Peyton felt highly uncomfortable being on that podium. It was like a presentation of The Vagina Monologues with Rush Limbaugh as the opening act.

Seriously, who thinks it's a good idea to be publicly fired by your boss? (Yeah, I'm probably going to get a cease-and-desist letter from Donald Trump on that one.) It just takes us back to Medieval days of being placed in the stocks. Why not just lock Peyton up and hurl tomatoes at him?  I guarantee you Dan Orlovsky and Curtis Painter will be the first two in line for that one. 

To make things worse, they actually flew in together. I think a future Hall-of-Famer deserves better -- unless their name is Tom Brady. In that case, que sera, sera.

After hearing the speech and reading the transcript of the press conference, I can bring to you a unique aspect not seen on the Interwebs or in print.

Here it is: the voice of Peyton Manning's gray matter. This is what goes from an 11-time Pro Bowler, Super Bowl MVP, and DirecTV sponsor's head during such a joke of a junket:

12 P.M.: Irsay and Manning walk out to the podium. MANNING'S BRAIN:  Wow, 14 years with the team and I still had to fly with this guy to my own firing.

12:02: Irsay announces the end of Peyton's playing career…in Indianapolis. MANNING'S BRAIN: This guy has the bedside manner of Dr. Kevorkian.

12:03: Irsay describes it as a tough decision in the best interest of both parties. MANNING'S BRAIN: You get more money.  I'm unemployed.  Didn't the Occupy hipsters say something about this?

12:05: Peyton approaches the podium, tears in his eyes, clearly choked up. MANNING'S BRAIN:  Eli's the baby of the family, why does he get everything?

12:11: Peyton thanks Indianapolis and says he is not going anywhere. MANNING'S BRAIN: Yeah, later nerds. I'll be sipping a mojito in South Beach as fast as you can say Lucas Oil Stadium.

12:15: Start of a Q&A period in which Irsay says there is a rebuilding ahead for this team. MANNING'S BRAIN: Uh huh, sure. See you in the Super Bowl when the NFL is run by Google.

12:20: Press conference winds down. MANNING'S BRAIN: I wonder how soon it is to start Peytonsanity… Peytoncredible… Super Peytontendo.

1 P.M.: Manning hops in a car that costs more than your house. MANNING'S BRAIN: I'm sexy and I know it. Deuces, Indy!  Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.

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