By By Chris Carvo
Definition of Crab Nebula: 1. a famous and conspicuous supernova, 2. expanding cloud of gas. In the simple yet extremely elegant words of DJ Kool, "Let me clear my throat..."
It's not a very professional practice; singling out one reader and ignoring the majority of citizenry at the University. I look to the skies and ask to have a "one on one" excursus with the entity known as Hurricane Katrina. The word hurricane comes from the word Hurrican, the Carib god of evil. Apparently according to mythology, Hurrican blew his breath across the chaotic water to make land, only to destroy the men he instated to live there. Think the US foreign policy with Nicaragua in the early 80s. Yes, the American foreign policy, I will be 'serving' you all year.
Well, so here goes.
Pssst. Pssst. Lend me your ear, dear elemental quiddity. You are like that dorky kid from high school who played second fiddle to the cool kids. Dennis Tornado and Ed Earthquake took you under their wing. Since they haven't been around in a while, you're doing the annoying things you did around them--without their protection. Where I come from, trashing the gulf twice in the same month would get you an ass kicking.
New Orleans took a worse beating than that kid from the movie Lucas, and now Hurrican sets its sights on its next helpless victim. The next city to fall under the stormy chopping block is...Key West.
Oh Key West, how I feel for you. Picking on Key West is like beating up a hippie; there ain't much glory in winning. Wiping out New Orleans; that's like beating up a drunk guy. Where's the self-respect?
It seems there is a connection here we are not seeing. Is it any coincidence that New Orleans, and now the Keys (possibly) are being decimated by natural disasters? God is really balling the jack here on America's chief cities of debauchery. It's coming down like Biblical times. First Sodom, then Gemora, now New Orleans. As history shows, the Mesopotamia upper and lower region's drug and homosexuality scenes never fully recovered once the Lord rained down burning sulfur onto the residents of the two most notorious cities since the book of Genesis. Corruption was their commerce, decadence their crime.
For thousands of years after, good Jews and Arabs who lived in the Mt. Zoar suburbs needed to outsource their animalistic desires for recreational drugs and daily sodomy. I think as Americans, we can all sympathize here. I know people who would tear their garments, kill their firstborn, and vow to never play the sackbut again if they had to travel all the way to Egypt just to score some killer "ah-pen-yen" from a queen that don't accept cash.
So now what is to follow if Key West is taken from us, in our second overwhelming natural disaster in a month? I think we can use the Katrina blueprint to shed insight on some predictions.
First, there will be locals who will refuse to leave. The gentleman dressed like a wizard who stands outside of the beach towel store is definitely not leaving, and neither will the bearded community that weave your likeness into leaf baskets; not while bars on Duvall Street stay open, and even offer drink specials for those who "wade it out." Just don't order the Hurricane Punch.
Second, President Bush won't visit until all hell has cleared. But what he will do is walk the streets of some affluent suburb in Mississippi, assessing minor water damage; again. Now insert your favorite Bush accent here. "It's truly tragic that a big branch has fallen on your private tennis court, Mastah' Brighton."
Third, the mayor will speak out publicly against FEMA. Then he will put his wizard costume back on and take further questions in front of the beach towel store.
Fourth, all benefit concerts will be played by Mr. Jimmy Buffet. You know Jimmy Buffet, the guy your parents like but they don't own one album. FYI reader, your parents have gotten high and had sex to "Cheeseburger In Paradise." That night they weren't just celebrating fast-food.
Buffet will then give a tour of a post-Rita Key West to Anderson Cooper which will play out as so...
Cooper: So what is your favorite memory about Key West?
Buffet: (slight gurgle) When I got wasted and had a moustache.
But not all of Key West is so grotesque.
I had the joy to vacation there last Spring Break. I was struck and overwhelmed by the breathtaking sights, ingested my fair share of local cuisine, and discoursed for hours with the natives. Okay, just one native. And he went by the name of Southern Dime.
Now I'm not quite sure what Dime did for a living, all I know is that he spent his nights outside my hotel, drinking a disguised can of Budweiser and concealing what appeared to be camel poop in little baggies.
He was the type of local New York would die for; he knew everyone and everything about the history, culture, and art of his beloved hometown. He always knew what time it was, even though he never wore a watch. He would give you the shirt off his back, and apparently, someone had taken him up on the offer already.
As he scratched his naked and hairy chest he told me the greatest thing about Key West was the "people it attracted." It took me a minute to realize that he was being genuine and not mocking the tourist population, who, is careless with natural resources, litters profusely, and endangers the public well-being when they drink and drive all over the island. Here was Dime, thanking us for taking the time out of our hectic lives to "give them all a visit."
After a week of Spring Break partying, that place looked like a hurricane hit it... n