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Armchair Observations: A Humor Column

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist

Rejoice Knicks fans! Rejoice!  Mike D'Antoni is no longer the head coach of your beloved Knickerbockers.  How Lin-sane is that!  It seemed as though we were all stuck in the funk for the rest of the season, Coach Antoni (the D doesn't exist) wasn't budging, and it seemed as though another player was going to be a casualty as the result.
Either way, there is new hope in Madison Square Garden, and it's not just the result of the Blueshirts. With D'Antoni making his exit, I thought it would be nice to issue a formal letter on behalf of my fellow Knick brethren, and by formal letter, I mean a final airing of grievances.
Dear Mr. D'Antoni
Congratulations!  You're unemployed!  Nothing makes me smile more as a fan of your former employer than to see your exit. Regardless of the fact you will probably get some sort of package deal for leaving that could buy and sell me 435 times over, you are no longer a presence on the bench.
Yes, you did take the New York Knickerbockers to the playoffs last season that came courtesy of the later arrival of Carmelo Anthony to aid Amare Stoudemire. You really can't take credit for landing a berth. You can, however, take credit for the humiliating sweep at the hands of the Boston Celtics. Let's be real, you and misery are the same identity. It's kind of like the Kardashians and vampires.  Different name, same result.
It was argued by one radio host that you are an offensive mastermind. He argued that your offense is the reason the U.S. Olympic Men's Basketball team won the gold medal in Beijing in 2008. The amazing coaching of Mike Krzyzewski, which eats me alive inside to say because of my hatred for Duke, is the one to thank for the successful strategy. As for execution, did you take a look at the roster? It's like the cast of "The Avengers,".  Kobe Bryant, LeBron James and Chris Paul to name a few. When your bench is better than 53,782 cloned versions of the Angola starting lineup, you have a good shot at the gold. 
That said, why the lack of defense? The French have better defensive skills than your teams have ever had. You could put up all the points in the world. If the other team is scoring at the other end of the floor, they'll go shot for shot with you. If you think a squad can live solely on offense, you are sadly mistaken. I don't care if you have the best scorers money can buy, if they're not playing D, you're not getting a W.
Also, while you're thinking up a defensive plan while you go job searching (btw, Burger King is hiring), think of a personality people will like. Your press conferences were the driest televised sports-related event I have ever seen, and as a Jets fan, I have witnessed the grand persona that was Eric Mangini. Actually, that could've passed Frasier in dryness. I really have to stop writing dryness. Did I write that? Son of a...
Look, Coach, you had a good run and you sure as hell weren't the worst coach in Knicks history. I mean, you succeeded Isaiah Thomas, so there was really nowhere but up. Second, you did provide us with a drunk and stumbling James Dolan in a press conference, worth a laugh but at the same time depressing for fans who see the ownership doing that. That said, you will be missed, for about three microseconds. Time's up, bring on the Mike Woodsonity to the Garden.  D'Antoni, stay away from New York City.
Later fool.
With great remorse,
Knicks fans

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