By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist
In these trying economic times, teams are doing anything in their power to save a dollar. Unfortunately, in some cases, franchises are forced to go to the local classified pages to find a proper replacement.
In my usual morbid curiosity, I investigated some of the want ads to show those on the Hofstra campus just what employment may be like out there, if that job of working at the sock factory is not quite doing it for you.
PASSING BY, PASS BY HERE: Indianapolis area squad seeks strong-armed person to lead a group of 10 other people. Had three people in this job before. One had neck pain, one was an unknown, and the other was Kerry Collins. At least 3 years experience, if last name is Garcia or Testaverde, it's a plus. Apply within Lucas Oil Stadium to Jim Irsay or Jim Caldwell.
WE NEED $$$$$: Florida based college football team in desperate need of cash. Previous donor lost his yacht, parties are over. New jerseys, scholarships, and maybe a get together on the high seas is all we ask. Hurricanes in our hand lead to wins on the gridiron. Payroll to buy jerseys like Maryland's crazy patchwork would be sweet.
RESEARCHER NEEDED: Investigative person sought in Detroit area to explain extraordinary phenomena. City awed by sight of professional football team having a perfect record through four weeks. Dental provided, considering search for answer will cause teeth to grind in furious rage. Contact Matt Millen at NBC Studios, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York City.
DETECTIVE WANTED: 82 games, 30 teams, millions of fans all gone. Hardwood floors empty, lacking tall athletes. Help us figure out. Pay in five figures, 401k, but only if I feel like giving you what you want. Contact David Stern.
LET ME BUY YOUR TEAM!!: Operator of successful Dallas corporation wants stake in your business. Tried to buy companies in New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles associated with American pastime with no luck. Willing to invest in anything restaurant, television network or celebrity kicked off his hit CBS sitcom…anything!! P.S. I only ask that I be allowed to sit wherever the hell I feel like.
ICE SKATERS WELCOME: Pittsburgh hockey team needs young talent to act as backbone for franchise. Last guy was a little dazed and confused and never quite came out of it. Whole season relies on you and guy named Evgeni. He's Russian, you'll love him. Be able to skate at high speed, fire fierce slapshot. Oh, and if you can have other cities hate you. It would be great.
BEARD TRIMMER NEEDED: Skilled hands of a master craftsman who can keep my glorious facial hair in check. The beard has become a household entity and the greatest thing to happen to facial hair since Cap'n Crunch. If you think you're awesome, well, you're not as awesome as I. Be in San Francisco Bay Area. Call Mr. Wilson at 1-900-GOT-HEEM
CPR SPECIALISTS NEEDED: Two locations, Boston and Atlanta. Choking is a serious thing and it was abundant in these two metropolises. Benefits included, be weary of lifeless bats and jerk pitchers with last name Lackey. Warning: Chokers may collapse during high-pressure situations.