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Armchair Observations: A Humor Column

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist

 

First off, welcome back to the old friends. To the new friends, welcome to the world of Armchair Observations, the humorous look at the goings on in the sporting universe. Seriously, I promise. It's mildly entertaining. Okay, it's terrible, but you already read the headline so suck it up and deal.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed their summer break, be it vacation, or internship, or seeing "The Help". I spent my time off poolside with a cold one enjoying the events that shook the sports world (at least briefly during that East Coast quake). My TV and laptop were on for the ups and the downs, the thrill of victory and the agony of Hines Ward's two left feet.  

If you missed any of these amazing moments, or just wish to look fondly back, I am here to assist you with some of the most memorable…  

MIAMI HEAT LOSE

The Big Three of LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade made Miami the odds on favorites to win the NBA Championship. Heck, LeBron was already anticipating eight rings. The Heat took the East and made it to the big dance against the Dallas Mavericks. With King James in reign, there was no stopping Miami…until they forgot about there being four quarters in a game. Dallas took the series and the NBA title. LeBron hangs his head in shame. The city of Cleveland throws a raging kegger.

BRUINS WIN THE STANLEY CUP

It was a bloody, angry, nasty feud. No, I'm not talking about J. Lo and Marc Anthony's split (J. Lo, call me). I'm talking about the Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks. The Stanley Cup finals went an intense 7 games of neck and neck, buzzer beater hockey, only for it to end in a blowout 4-0 win for the Bruins to take the title. The city of Vancouver went up in flames after the game, in what can only be called the politest riot in world history. Oh, those Canadians.

NFL LOCKOUT

A dark age for football fans, who feared that their Sundays would be spent sharing time with loved ones and going to other outings. The horror! The horror! Roger Goodell and the NFLPA worked tooth and nail to find common ground, and eventually reach a resolution and keep football running until 2015. Either way, the price of your PSL went up, so did the price of a hot dog. However, something else went up…salaries for players and management! Yay? As rough a period as this was, many fantasy football players realized the greatest team name:  "Rock Out with Your Lockout."

OHIO STATE AND MIAMI SCANDALS

O-H! I-Oh, you're busted. The Ohio State Buckeyes and the Miami Hurricanes were at the center of scandal for off the field issues. At the center for Ohio State, head football coach Jim Tressel for violating recruiting practices. For Miami, a millionaire booster named Nevin Shapiro who provided, how you say, services for players while at sea. To sum it up, both universities were smacked with major infractions, Jim Tressel became a beer vendor for the Colts, Terrelle Pryor is a Raider, Oakland owner Al Davis is still chasing a squirrel and I lost my vacation on Nevin Shapiro's yacht.

THE END OF TIGER WOODS, I MEAN, THE PGA

The golf world watched a giant fall, and several young ladies with various spellings of the name Jamie watched a lover never call again. Tiger Woods has not been able to find his swagger on the green since his life fell to shambles, and because of it, the PGA has suffered. No one cares anymore. Darren Clarke won the British Open, Keegan Bradley won the PGA Championship, and golf fans won the award for most times saying who. Seriously, I haven't seen this much waste of grass since the creation of the XFL.

US WOMEN'S WORLD CUP

A huge breakthrough for American soccer, as the women's team romped from the World Cup, defeating major players like Brazil and France to reach the final. Unfortunately, the miracle run ended and the U.S. fell to Japan on PK's in the championship. However, it still made Abby Wambach and Alex Morgan household names, and landed Hope Solo a gig on "Dancing with the Stars". Great job by them, but I have to say this.  Julie "The Cat" Gaffney makes that save, Hope. Just sayin'.

JENKINS DRAFTED

Translation: The day the Golden State Warriors became the greatest team on the face of the universe. Hofstra guard and all-time leading scorer Charles Jenkins makes it to the big time. Jenkins is picked up in the 2nd round of the NBA Draft with the 44th overall by the Warriors. Here's hoping that an NBA season happens, because every Hofstra student is ready to buy tickets to Warriors vs. Knicks or Warriors vs. Nets.

Tech Talk: 9/15

Sept. 7 GOP debate