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Armchair Observations: A Humor Column

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist


I think all my male readers (by which I mean, the 99 percent) considered Kris Humphries the luckiest man on the planet when he landed Kim Kardashian's caboose…I mean, Kim Kardashian, but let's be real.  Show of hands:  How many people really thought that marriage was going to last?

If you just raised your hand, take that hand and smack yourself in the face with it.

Look ladies, I love you all, and what I say about Kim's relationship does not go for any of you, because you weren't calling up NBA franchises about drafting a boyfriend.  This woman and that whole family care more about money than love.  When Kim wants a boy toy, she calls up corporate America and the sporting universe in quest of a beau.  Seriously, Kim K ordered up Italian and got former New York Knick Danilo Gallinari.

The tabloids are giving many reasons for the split of Kardashian and Humphries.  Some say Humphries was too immature for her.  Some say Kim didn't want to move to Minnesota.  Others say Kris did not want to become part of the Kardashian brand name. 

Here's my two cents.  It was a made for TV marriage.  A lavish four hour spectacle that made millions of dollars simply to lure in an audience.  Who really falls in love with a New Jersey Net?  That's not even a real NBA player.  Now, you can argue Kim's brother Khloe finding love with Lamar Odom of the L.A. Lakers.  Fine, whatever.  Maybe Lamar is a better actor.  Either way, if you think they actually were committed to happily ever after, you need a reality check.

Okay, I'm going to stop with the gossip front because I'm not Perez Hilton (mainly because I don't look good with pink hair).  Twitter has been abuzz with the trend of #ThingsThatLastedLonger-ThanKimKsMarriage and some of them have been phenomenal.  My personal favorite is that The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien was longer than her marriage.

However, I thought I would bring this into the sporting world and help bring the terms into the aficionado lingua the length of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.

-The obvious NBA lockout (which apparently Kim is a part of?)

-The ninth inning for a Texas Rangers fan

-Michael Jordan's baseball career

-The time it takes Serena Williams to shove a ball down a ref's throat

-A USC-Stanford football game, complete with Lane Kiffin's crybaby act

-Wally Backman's stint as Arizona Diamondbacks manager

-The line to get on Nevin Shapiro's yacht

-A fourth quarter for the Miami Heat

-A soccer goal call on Telemundo

-A day in the life of an Indianapolis Colts fan this year

-A day in the life of a Cleveland Browns fan for eternity

-Lenny Dykstra's paper trail

-The line for clean urine in a minor league baseball clubhouse

-The prayer circle in the Denver Broncos locker room

-A Sean Avery stint with the New York Rangers

-Usain Bolt running a 100 meter dash

-And last but not least…A Mets game

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