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Armchair Observations: A Humor Column

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist

Charlie Sheen is making headlines for his antics, but what if his "Major League" star took the same path?

Let's be honest.  We can't go a day without seeing Charlie Sheen make headlines.  Whether it be his quest for a tiger blood intern (I'm still in the running…) or his use of mystical mind powers to fight trolls like Chuck Lorre, Sheen's wacky ways are front page news.  So in all the Sheenmania, I found myself watching one of my favorite movies last night, "Major League".

The high warlock Sheen stars in this film as Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, a pitcher always on the wrong side of the law, but a fastball that could blow you away (sound vaguely familiar?).  As usual, I laughed at the antics of Roger Dorn and Pedro Cerrano, but there's one thing I could not help but notice.  Ricky Vaughn was on the Indians.  In what way does that promote the Sheenian philosophy of winning?  Hell, the Indians haven't won the World Series since 1948.  That's not even worth the hashtag.

So I thought to myself, what if we skipped "Major League 2" and that awful straight to DVD alleged "Major League 3," and made this happen?  Ricky Vaughn on the winning track.  Here's how I think it would go.

After a stellar outing in the division championship against the White Sox, Ricky decides to test the free agent market.  However, he decides to do it in the style of many Japanese players, pay millions to talk to me about paying me millions.  It pans out, Vaughn lands with the Yankees.   However, Buck Showalter is the manager, so he's not really winning.

 Vaughn gets tired of playing in pinstripes, and angered by George Steinbrenner's wanting him to cut his hair properly, he says farewell to the Bronx.  Value still high, he shops himself out.  Deciding which direction to go next, Vaughn found himself hanging out with the likes of former Met and Yankee great/future "Celebrity Rehab" cast member Doc Gooden.  Do I need to say more?  Luckily, MLB goes on strike, and Ricky finds himself guest starring on episodes of "The Simpsons" and "Married…with Children."  

Fast forward to 1995, Ricky, looking to win, takes his talents to South Beach with the expansion Florida Marlins.  Playing with the likes of eventual Met disappointments like Moises Alou and Livan Hernandez, Vaughn enjoys his time in Miami, but later changes his mind after being told to go back to New York to play for the Yankees by Playmate wife, Anna.  

1996. Ricky is the Yankees' John Wetteland, meaning he performs stellar in the playoffs leading the Yanks to a World Series title, not that he falls into obscurity and is most likely working at a Bennigan's right now.  One World Series title down, he stays with the Yankees for another 3 years, earning 2 more titles.  Then, his wife Anna dumps him for the new young ace on the Pittsburgh Pirates, Kris Benson.  

Fast forward, Ricky leaves the Yanks to pursue new ventures with the Atlanta Braves.  While down in Atlanta, Wild Thing opens a chain of barbecue restaurants to attract his Georgia crew, only to watch them be overtaken by Chipper Jones' Casa de Sushi.  Done with Hotlanta, Vaughn meets up with Doc Gooden…again.   And…you know.  

After a few years in and out of rehab for his knee and that little old addiction, Vaughn lands back with the Indians.  The Tribe welcomes him back with open arms, but once again, the winning ways tear his ACL.  Looks like career was over.  However, a gentleman by the name of Brian McNamee approaches Vaughn in a locker room in Chicago.  Ricky Vaughn comes back the next season suddenly larger and going less innings.  Suspicion rising, he retires.

After a year of retirement, his name pops back up in a report and he is called to testify before Congress on the use of steroids.  Along with this, reports of a hookup with country singer Mindy McCready come to the surface.  Perjury charges are eventually filed, trial awaiting.  Duh, winning.  

 

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