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Armchair Observations: A Humor Column

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist

If you're like me, you are a Jets fan who was busy biting their nails and making sure the defibrillator was fully charged during Sunday's win over the Buffalo Bills.  If you're also like me, you tossed your Taco Bell wrappers at the TV during Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson's touchdown celebration.

For those of you who missed the game to watch a Kendra marathon on E!, Johnson reached pay dirt and rejoiced by pretending to shoot himself in the leg a la Plaxico Burress.  Bear in mind, what team is Plax on now?  That's right, the New York Jets.

Before you become outraged, all balanced out, as in the closing seconds, Buffalo had a chance to score a touchdown and defeat the Jets, including three passes to Johnson which he either dropped or missed or was not in reach.  In the spirit of good sportsmanship, I say…na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.

Johnson's actions were totally uncalled for.  Yes, you can argue it's funny and that I'm being a prude because it was against a team I root for.  However, I'll say, fine it may be worth a chuckle, until the end of four quarters when Johnson and his team lost the game.  Stevie Johnson needs to learn the art of karma, before learning the art of the touchdown dance (which by the way, props to Tony Scheffler of the Detroit Lions for his flash mob dance in the end zone).

Stevie's story is just one of a long list of words and actions costing championships and then some for a lot of athletes:

PATRIOTS:  ights, camera, ha ha. Not going to lie, I relished in this one. Bill Belichick's staff caught videotaping games without the express written consent of FOX and the National Football League. The Pats go 16-0 and make a dream run at the ultimate perfect season, going all the way to the Super Bowl. In the words of South Park, it's the one game where Belichick didn't cheat, and he lost. Now, watching the Patriots lose is like watching the Death Star blow up. You can't help but cheer.

MIKE BIBBY: Remember when Mr. Bibby called Boston Celtics aficionados at TD Banknorth Garden a bunch of fair-weather fans?  After losing Game 1 to Boston, Bibby responded to heckling fans telling them it's a best of 7 series.  Guess who won?  Guess who went on to win the title that year? Exactly.

JOHN ROCKER: I am proud to say as a Mets fan that I had the honor of being at the game at which batteries were thrown at Mr. Rocker. And I am proud to say I was one of those at age 9 throwing aforementioned batteries.  Sure, the Braves made the World Series in 1999, but Rocker's career went downhill rapidly. Where is he now? I assume working at a Houlihan's.  At least they have a company softball team.

TIGER WOODS: Women named Jamie, or Jaymee, Jami, whatever the spelling, rejoice.  After Tiger landed in the rough for cheating on his GORGEOUS ex-wife Elin, several women came forward saying they had interaction with his…let's just say, 3-wood.  Tiger headed to sex rehab (which is not a thing, you're just horny), and emerged a terrible golfer.  Seriously, Tiger trying to find his game is like trying to find a philosophy professor at the Republican National Convention.  A real Where's Waldo.

LEBRON JAMES:  City of Cleveland, this Bud's for you.  The native son who promised a ring and didn't deliver.  The native son who packed his bags for South Beach.  The native son who took his team to the NBA Finals.  The native son who choked in the fourth quarter.  That's right, LeBron!  You doomed a city; therefore your ring finger remains empty.


Women's basketball runs over Seton Hall

Women's basketball welcomes Seton Hall on Thursday night