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Armchair Observations: A Humor Column

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist


‘Twas the night before printout and all through the campus

I sat by my laptop, so stoked for hiatus

The Red Bull was poured down my gullet with care

In hopes that some bright idea soon would appear


The pressure of finals was pounding my head

And my professor's rants are making me up my meds

And staff members typing and I in my cap

You're all reading this now thinking, is he really repeating this crap?


When on ESPN, there arose such a clatter

I got off my Twitter to see what was the matter

Away to the web page, I saw in a flash

That Albert Pujols began his search for a whole lotta cash


Miami had an offer, they opened their mouth

In their new-found effort to be the Eagles of the South

When what else would pop up on the Bottomline

But happiness in Boston over Bobby Valentine


The former Mets' driver, a man of Flushing flash

Headed to Yawkey Way with his cap and moustache

More rabid than Tim Tebow in a fourth quarter game

Beantown fans whistled, shouted and called out by name


Now Papi, now Dustin, now Beckett, now Lestah

Now Lowrie, now Marco, now A-Gone, let's all go to Worcester!

So off of the diamond, I searched anew

Only to land on a story all about Big Blue.


Tom Coughlin and his crew falling from grace

Like a drunk Lindsay Lohan, flat on their face

They fell to the Saints, the Niners, and the Pack

Come on, fans yell, is Alex Smith that hard to sack?


A bunch of football and baseball stories come through

When out of nowhere, the NBA season was anew

The lockout now over, I rushed to the stores

To buy a Golden State jersey, #22 Warriors.


I looked at the schedule, my heart starting to soften

Only to realize…they're not playing at the Garden!

I threw my iPod, I broke my Blackberry

Good news, so I can get an iPhone on an X-Mas so merry.


But alas, some better word from Joe the editor

He bellowed…we can go see Jenks at the Prudential Center?

And finally -- yes, my column, there was a thought bubbling.

I ran for my laptop, over it I was huddling (bear with me, the Red Bull's wearing off…)


I typed with such fury, a new life like a spark

I felt like the one percent going back inside Zuccotti Park.

It was coming together, an article so dour

Then all of a sudden, I ran out of power.


I stared at the black screen in a raging manuever

I felt as enraged post Game 7 in Vancouver

All was gone, with words I could not speak

So I say, merry tension y'all, it's Hofstra finals week!

Men's basketball drops fourth straight in loss to Manhattan

Scoring drought starves men's basketball in loss to Wagner