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Armchair Observations: A Humor Column

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist

 

So with Halloween coming up on Monday, I'm sure plenty of people on the Hofstra campus are scrounging at the last minute for a costume.  Of course there will be the usual cowboys and cowgirls and the guy with an empty Keystone Light case on his head as a last ditch effort.

However, every year I look for the sports costumes and see very little.  I mean, for crying out loud, I went as Mike Piazza three times as a child.  So with a few days, I figure I would give a few suggestions to represent your fanhood and bring out a little more fun in your Halloween shenanigans.

PATRICE BERGERON:Grab yourself a Boston Bruins shirt and put some ketchup on your finger.  If you can have one of your buddies go as Alexandre Burrows, that's awesome.  All he or she needs is a Canucks jersey and…well, you may have to sacrifice a finger for this one.

JOHN LACKEY: All you need is a Red Sox shirt, a beer, and to paint your face blue.  You definitely want to symbolize the big time Beantown choke.  If you really want to master the Lackey, come with your arm in a sling and leave your girlfriend in a middle of the party.  You can do the same thing with the Atlanta Braves, just switch John Lackey with Chipper Jones.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL DONOR:This may require some expenses.  A fancy suit, a trip to the ATM, and a couple lady friends.  Be sure to have some buddies walking around in the jersey of your favorite BCS school (the more Buckeyes and Hurricanes jerseys the better).  Oh, and if you plan on being sober and are fortunate enough to drive a really nice car, please do.

TONY LA RUSSA:You're pretty much just going as the Verizon guy.  Can you hear me now?  Walk around in a Cardinals jersey and cap all night, grab some sunglasses, and try and find some cell phone reception.  If you have a friend, tell him to go as Jason Motte.  If you're that friend, go as Lance Lynn.

 

MARK SANCHEZ:I don't know how much I would recommend this if it's going to be in the 40s temperature wise, but just carry around a football and walk around the party without a shirt.  You'll catch pneumonia, but the ladies love the GQB.

NBA LOCKOUT:You just have to go as an Occupy Wall Street protester.  Wear your street clothes and hipster glasses like Amare Stoudemire, and just demand more money.  If you want to go as David Stern, find a very large sphere-like object to wear on your head to match the NBA commissioner's ego.

LEBRON JAMES:All you need to do is buy a LeBron Miami Heat jersey, grow a little beard, count numbers, and throw on a headband.  No jewelry allowed, especially rings.  Make sure you leave three quarters of the way through the party too.  Get a really tall friend to be Chris Bosh and your friend that gets respect because he deals with you to be Dwyane Wade.

TIGER WOODS:This was a lot more fun as a costume last year when ladies followed you around.  This year is a little more depressing for Tiger.  Walk around with a golf club and a sad look on your face.  Occasionally smile at women only to be rejected.  Make sure your gear is Nike.  This new costume is also called the Matt Napolitano playing golf.

ATLANTA THRASHERS FAN:This is perfect…if you're not partying or having any fun on Halloween.  You don't exist.

Big thanks to Christian Heimall for his help on this column.

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