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President Obama hires Cassara to boost ratings

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist

It's safe to say Mo Cassara is the most loved person on the campus…at least since Flavor Flav's giant clock and viking helmet graced our grounds back in September. With Saturday's 102-62 shellacking of Farmingdale State and the pro-Hofstra tweeting, the love for the men's hoops coach is not going unnoticed. In fact, it's getting attention on the national level.

After the mid-term elections ended up like a night at The Plaza with Charlie Sheen, President Barack Obama is trying to rally John Q. Public back to the Democrats. How? By hiring Mo.

"We believe that Mo has proven to be an attraction and right now the Democratic Party needs that allure, especially to help us out in 2012," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, announcing the hiring of Cassara as White House advisor in charge of Keeping It Real. "We know he will be a great head of K.I.R., whether it be through emphatic social networking or taking America through a Mikan drill."

With the House flipping back to the Republicans and confidence among Democrats beginning to fall, the Obama administration needed to think of a way to bring the voters back to the left side of the spectrum. "The initial plan was to have the cast of the Jersey Shore do PSA's for us," said House speaker/overly-botoxed gnome Nancy Pelosi.  "But when we told them it was for the Democratic Party, they just started fist-pumping and grinding to house music."

Now Snooki-less and in a situation, officials were forced to think fast. Then, out of nowhere, like a beachball at a Dave Matthews concert, they found their man.

"What immediately drew us to Coach Cassara was the laid-back off-the-court style, I mean, let's be honest, Washington's uptight," said Gibbs. "We're like that really stuffy, overly gelled coach who leaves for a school with a campus at snobby ol' Lincoln Center and Mo's the opposite of that".

As the new advisor of Keeping It Real, Cassara will hone his skills by delivering the Democratic message in the way he knows best…140 characters or less. He will also plan events to boost support for the Obama 2012 campaign, as well as Democratic races in several states. Among the events already planned is a meet and greet with the Cabinet in the Rose Garden and a Dancing with the Stars viewing party to blast Bristol Palin. Don't worry America; Outback Steakhouse will cater both events.

"Mo came into office with plenty of ideas. He is even offering personal tips to some of our not so beloved leaders," said political strategist David Plouffe.  "He told Barney Frank to ease up on the creepy, Harry Reid to hit up a tanning booth. He even developed a system for Nancy Pelosi to transfer Botox into John Kerry's pores. The guy's incredible."

Breathing fresh air into Pennsylvania Avenue, the coach does plan to continue his head coaching role at Hofstra University. Though he has already moved into the position, terms of his contract are just being released. It looks like a 4-year deal that is actually great terms for Cassara, in fact, maybe a better contract than the one Auburn gave Cam Newton.  

So here's to Mo helping out the Dems for the next 4 years…and speaking of four, a brief word for President Obama. If you want to get out the youth vote, bring back the Four Loko…just sayin'.

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