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Armchair Observations: The Legend of Ron Burgundy*

By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist

After scoring a touchdown Monday night, one Patriots player won't be celebrating by doing the Dougie, instead he is being reprimanded for his actions earlier in the evening. New England Patriots cornerback and special teamer Kyle Arrington is under heavy criticism from ESPN due to stating that he played college football for a school that has never had a program.

During introductions, Arrington announced himself as having played for Hofstra University.  However, the Long Island private college has no record of football in its athletics program. "We were surprised Mr. Arrington would pull a stunt like this. To name your high school is one thing, but to fake a college is awful", said an ESPN spokesperson in a statement following New England's 41-14 win over Miami.  

Researchers for the network's "Monday Night Football" crew checked for proof of Arrington's playing for Hofstra, but came up short. "I kept looking for stuff on Hofstra football, but all the websites were blocked," said Peter Ellis, a statistician and crew member for MNF, "I mean, we Google cached, nothing came up, leading us to believe he lied about his college". This is not the first time this has occurred, as New Orleans Saints wide receiver Marques Colston and Pittsburgh Steelers offensive lineman Willie Colon pulled similar stunts. They were each fined $5,000 under NFL misconduct regulations.

Arrington, who scored on a blocked field goal returned for six, is still remaining insistent he played for the Hofstra Pride, "I'm telling you all I went to Hofstra from 2004 – 2008 to play football. I mean I think I know where I went to school."

The alleged former cornerback at Hofstra has his home in Foxborough, Massachusetts, under heavy security watch. That's after a suspect threw a rock that landed on Arrington's lawn. It is presumed that the suspect was aiming for the window. The suspect is described by police in Foxborough as "a male with receding hairline with a very professional appearance, something like a CEO or maybe like a dean or president of a higher education academy".  Arrington says of the attack, "OK, I am telling you all officials from Hofstra are trying to silence me."

The phone line suddenly cut at that point.  The Chronicle has been unable to track down Arrington for the past few days.

This has seemed to a recurring problem here at The Chronicle.  On Tuesday, we actually were able to talk with Steve Jessup, a former Hofstra Pride football player from the 1970s.  After 30 seconds of conversation, we heard a blood curdling "no" and the phone went dead.  We are presently presuming some kind of truth hiding poltergeist is involved.

Officials at Hofstra University were outraged by Arrington's false statements. "The fact that Kyle Arrington would say he played this football sport for Hofstra, when we never have had the sport ever and refuse to talk about it, is disgraceful," said a spokesperson for the University.

The Chronicle has since gone into extensive research in trying to discover if a football team has ever existed on the Hofstra campus.  In a very short amount of time, I am very proud to report that…

Editor's Note: Matt Napolitano has been missing since late Wednesday night. We suspect that it coincides with his research into the alleged football team. The above was what we found on his computer.

Kyle Arrington (9) and David Darby (5) attempt to tackle a New Hampshire ball carrier in 2007 (Sean M. Gates/ The Chronicle)

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